I didn't shave. On purpose
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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