Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I am one with the molecules
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
