On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize