i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
