Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Randomize
