hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
