Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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