hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
