i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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