VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
