I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Randomize
