So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
