If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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