no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
