so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
