if you like me you must not know who I am
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
