You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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