No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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