I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
How many fucks given?
0.12846
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
