ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize