I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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