it's too hot outside to masturbate.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
