You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
