Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
