This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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