at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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