Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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