A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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