I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
The power of my boobs compel you
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize
