People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize