The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
