so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
