I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
