I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
