Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
