You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
