Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize