we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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