At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
My ATM looks so different sober.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
