tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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