there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
