no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
