Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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