i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
