I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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