I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
