I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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