You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Randomize
