i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
