I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
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