i wish starbucks made bloody marys
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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