Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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