I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
