Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
