why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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