that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
