and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
