i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
