That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
