She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
My ass is underappreciated
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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