The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
