i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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