Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Randomize