apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize