can we get nightvision for the apartment?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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